fuck

This is nothing sexy.i wish it was. after i post i think i might watch porn and play.

im too tired to write tonight. even though i know i should because i need to get all this shit out. thus why i started this thing in the first place. i hypothesize that-if i write enough i wont need to write as often. this seems to be the only way to deal right now.
everyone has times like these. times where its easier to feel but harder to deal.
im irritated with engagements for the sake of getting engaged because its the "stage".
im fustrated with people who think they know happiness. but im conflicted with the idea that to each is own. i just wish you would try something else to really know.
rewind 22 years or so. playing in that plastic doll house outside in my nonnas backyard, when everything about being grown up seemed so exciting and happy - lets have a tea party in there. i really want to. just me and you.

be blessed.

it stinks half empty

my mind seems so schizophrenic to me, and completely orderly to other people. the multitasking that goes on in my mind always amazes me. there is so much happening, processing, logic-ing, catastrophizing, minimizing, and complicating that no wonder why i feel like its going to explode one day. but i smile when i see how well-put-together people think i am. and to that, i throw out a big mtv "YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA".
****
I got rejected by 'james bond' today. he told me i had 'flare', and felt it could really work between us. i was invited over for a plate of pasta and espresso. he even gave me his personal telephone number. i smiled.
30 minutes later he changed his mind. he said that it would never work between us because i was 20 years younger than him. the lowest he would date is someone 40 years old - 5 years younger. he then proceeded to explain that this was because we were at different stages in life. what would we have to talk about? he left by telling me he was 'off limits'-took his medication and never looked back. i smiled.
****
my work takes so much mental focus, its fucking ridiculous. i never accepted that it ever would...but put yourself in a situation where you are in a disastrous state of mind, and try helping people who are in mental disarray themselves. its hard. but, not too hard. not hard enough to bitch enough to say that i lead a shitty life. ive come to witness what shitty actually means. but to put that into perspective, means you need to get into perspective, in a diverse way. whats shitty to me, may not be shitty to someone else. and the reverse. it takes a lot of fucken mental juice to be able to realize 'perspective'. but i will say that, exists is a base shit-line.the shit that lies at the bottom of the glass that can only be seen as half empty. the shit that stinks to everyone, no matter what your situation. these are the people that seem to be the strongest. the realist. and the ones that dont feel sorry for themselves but are grateful for the things that we should all be greatful for everyday.

nothing pisses me off more then a whinning little bitch that refuses to drive, and sends back her convertable 911 becuase she doenst like the standard tints on the windows that come stock. are you actuallly fucking serious? no, mabye thats a mental illness.

im tired of people that feel they have a right to complain about nobody in this world giving a fuck or doing something to help people, when i actually wonder, whats the last thing you did to help somebody? trully help somebody. okay. bad question. these people prob. donate money. thats good enough right?

do you know how fucking hard it is to find someone shelter? food? anything. a 20 year waiting list for government housing, which means the people on the waitlist will prob be dead before they get called up.

but with this point, i speak to idols. sitting in luxury, on their macbooks, blogging or tweeting about the state of this planet...what the fuck have you done latley. there are people that dedicate their lives to helping other people. these people are your neighbors. gratification to them means someone has secured housing, a room in a shared house..luxury compared to shelter. these are people that wake up everday, go to work because they actually give a shit. more of  a shit to do something rather than JUST blogging about it.

i refuse to give up. some call me stupid for even thinking i can make some kind of impact.
i call them stupid for even just saying that.

blessed.

Coconut soup

Aching, yawning, aching, paining, oh how i hate dirty floors.

mop and bucket, dusting, cleaning, in a home that was barely mine.

i wonder how you can live in this, breath in this, chaos no order no more.

i try to mine-it, you cant maintain it.

you buy me coconut soup.

engaging to disengage

It was driving home at 3am from a 16 hr work day that i realized, maybe they were right. all along. everything everyone warned me about may actually be happening. maybe it was the road rage i had while driving on empty roads, or my rough gear shifting because i had the shakes in my legs...boh. who knows. regardless. i realized that, without a question, i need to be able to vent about the shit i experience. and accept that, there will be times that i wont have the opportunity to call someone up and unleash. and that nobody is ever going to understand what it feels like in its truest form. 




i help people. whether they can understand that i am or not. i fight with the system. a battle that will never discourage me. fuck you if you choose to argue. i am honored with the opportunity to venture into other realities and spat on when the timing isn't right for that person. 
i am let into conspiracies, and brought into them at the same time. 
i take on emotions. and am dealing with my own  at the same time.
its fun.

This is the beginning of the tale, from the other end. the end that takes it all.


As i write, you should begin to understand.


As for now, I leave you with a smile.