You like Mick Jagger he asks? I never really thought about me "liking" Mick Jagger before.
Wait...I just spelled Jagger with an A instead of an E and the fucken spell check noticed the error. Messed up.
Anyways...so, never really putting thought into my ideas about Mick Jagger I respond, "meh, I dont know really".
He says, listen...I cured Mick Jagger last night, do you understand me?
Puzzeled I ask for an elaboration ;)
Mick Jagger is a sick bastard, I cured him last night though. Do you know the American Pie song? He asks.
Yep.
He starts singing and talking about the candle stick maker and how a Mick Jagger once sat on a candle made of heroin which is what started his drug addiction.
He is a Sick Bastard he tells me over and over.
I wish him sweet dreams.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
White is not for everyone.
I have been meaning to do this for a while now...but time seems to be flying by. September is almost done. I feel like it just begun. Out of the entire month I have probably done a few things for myself. & that is okay. Most of the time I have been hopping and skipping in and out of different universes. Meeting some fabulous people who are either content and happy with the enchanting world they experience they were ambivalent to be with me, and others... so traumatized by their reality they are in pain - grateful to meet me.
I managed to spend some time with my cousin...which was awesome. I took her to a concert. She won tickets to go on stage with the band - and nobody wanted to go with her - so I engaged in the two hour drive to Oshawa and did the whole shebang with her. Surprisingly it was fun. The drive was important. We had a "talk" that I hope really got to her. It was needed. We then stuck around and she got in a few pictures with the band - and she managed to get the only tangible thing I had on me signed - my butt pack. She goes home with such a genuine smile... and an empty cigarette pack signed by the band...shes 16. Prob. not a smart idea on my part. Whatever. I digress.
Back on point...
I met an interesting young woman this week where at 60 years old her energy and lust for life-despite the distress she experiences...just captivated me. Her world revolves around God. But she is not religious. She loves existing. Talks about the many fruits of life. However, She speaks of this jealousy that everyone she meets has towards her. She is all-in-all good, and perfect in every internal and cognitive way possible. Her heart bleeds for the poor and her energy goes towards showing an indefinite amount of care for the children and youth for today. God was the one who made her stay in Canada-She wishes she was back in Ecuador though. She fell in love with an English man - smart, funny, and able to provide a life for her that she never knew existed. He was her father that left her as a child in many ways. Part of the reason she stayed in Canada was because she felt that God was telling her that he had left her mother to come here-she wanted to find him. 40 years later - no word from him. Since 2000 when the car accident happened involving a mysterious white van that was following her and drove her off the road-trying to prosecute her - her life changed. Why would a man in the white van want to try and kill you, I ask? She says-White is not for everybody. End of point.
Since then however, the neighborhood has turned evil. Everybody has been talking about her- calling her a prostitute, drug dealer, and criminal. She says they are all trying to kill her and her husband. She says that the men talk of raping her and then sending her across the boarder to mexico to smuggle drugs. This community has put such a curse on her and her husband that their lives together have changed. He doesn't want to do anything with her anymore-no more swimming, walking, dancing, or dinners. All he wants to do is watch television, stay at home, and sit on the porch. This has everything to do with the curse. She weeps.
She was found this morning by police, beating a fence in a school yard - screaming and yelling. Witnesses called her in. She tells me that she never walks by that school on her morning stroll to McDonalds for coffee-but today, it was the devil that guided her there. Police must have been following her because they were there before she arrived. The stick belonged to her dog who was too tired to venture on the walk this morning. She says she became upset when she saw the police- no other reason. She denies everything else. This must be the workings of the neighborhood. She wonders why this is happening to her right now.
She pleads: She would not hurt a fly. She would never hurt herself either-these are both the biggest sins to God.
She wonders: Why is she in hospital? Why are people trying to call her crazy? This happened to her in the past - year unknown. But the psychiatrist advised her to put her life in Gods hands and everything would be okay.
She is fine.
She wants to go home.
She wants nothing else from me.
I get a hug - a prayer.
And she walks.
-be well.
I managed to spend some time with my cousin...which was awesome. I took her to a concert. She won tickets to go on stage with the band - and nobody wanted to go with her - so I engaged in the two hour drive to Oshawa and did the whole shebang with her. Surprisingly it was fun. The drive was important. We had a "talk" that I hope really got to her. It was needed. We then stuck around and she got in a few pictures with the band - and she managed to get the only tangible thing I had on me signed - my butt pack. She goes home with such a genuine smile... and an empty cigarette pack signed by the band...shes 16. Prob. not a smart idea on my part. Whatever. I digress.
Back on point...
I met an interesting young woman this week where at 60 years old her energy and lust for life-despite the distress she experiences...just captivated me. Her world revolves around God. But she is not religious. She loves existing. Talks about the many fruits of life. However, She speaks of this jealousy that everyone she meets has towards her. She is all-in-all good, and perfect in every internal and cognitive way possible. Her heart bleeds for the poor and her energy goes towards showing an indefinite amount of care for the children and youth for today. God was the one who made her stay in Canada-She wishes she was back in Ecuador though. She fell in love with an English man - smart, funny, and able to provide a life for her that she never knew existed. He was her father that left her as a child in many ways. Part of the reason she stayed in Canada was because she felt that God was telling her that he had left her mother to come here-she wanted to find him. 40 years later - no word from him. Since 2000 when the car accident happened involving a mysterious white van that was following her and drove her off the road-trying to prosecute her - her life changed. Why would a man in the white van want to try and kill you, I ask? She says-White is not for everybody. End of point.
Since then however, the neighborhood has turned evil. Everybody has been talking about her- calling her a prostitute, drug dealer, and criminal. She says they are all trying to kill her and her husband. She says that the men talk of raping her and then sending her across the boarder to mexico to smuggle drugs. This community has put such a curse on her and her husband that their lives together have changed. He doesn't want to do anything with her anymore-no more swimming, walking, dancing, or dinners. All he wants to do is watch television, stay at home, and sit on the porch. This has everything to do with the curse. She weeps.
She was found this morning by police, beating a fence in a school yard - screaming and yelling. Witnesses called her in. She tells me that she never walks by that school on her morning stroll to McDonalds for coffee-but today, it was the devil that guided her there. Police must have been following her because they were there before she arrived. The stick belonged to her dog who was too tired to venture on the walk this morning. She says she became upset when she saw the police- no other reason. She denies everything else. This must be the workings of the neighborhood. She wonders why this is happening to her right now.
She pleads: She would not hurt a fly. She would never hurt herself either-these are both the biggest sins to God.
She wonders: Why is she in hospital? Why are people trying to call her crazy? This happened to her in the past - year unknown. But the psychiatrist advised her to put her life in Gods hands and everything would be okay.
She is fine.
She wants to go home.
She wants nothing else from me.
I get a hug - a prayer.
And she walks.
-be well.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
fuck
This is nothing sexy.i wish it was. after i post i think i might watch porn and play.
im too tired to write tonight. even though i know i should because i need to get all this shit out. thus why i started this thing in the first place. i hypothesize that-if i write enough i wont need to write as often. this seems to be the only way to deal right now.
everyone has times like these. times where its easier to feel but harder to deal.
im irritated with engagements for the sake of getting engaged because its the "stage".
im fustrated with people who think they know happiness. but im conflicted with the idea that to each is own. i just wish you would try something else to really know.
rewind 22 years or so. playing in that plastic doll house outside in my nonnas backyard, when everything about being grown up seemed so exciting and happy - lets have a tea party in there. i really want to. just me and you.
be blessed.
im too tired to write tonight. even though i know i should because i need to get all this shit out. thus why i started this thing in the first place. i hypothesize that-if i write enough i wont need to write as often. this seems to be the only way to deal right now.
everyone has times like these. times where its easier to feel but harder to deal.
im irritated with engagements for the sake of getting engaged because its the "stage".
im fustrated with people who think they know happiness. but im conflicted with the idea that to each is own. i just wish you would try something else to really know.
rewind 22 years or so. playing in that plastic doll house outside in my nonnas backyard, when everything about being grown up seemed so exciting and happy - lets have a tea party in there. i really want to. just me and you.
be blessed.
Monday, August 16, 2010
it stinks half empty
my mind seems so schizophrenic to me, and completely orderly to other people. the multitasking that goes on in my mind always amazes me. there is so much happening, processing, logic-ing, catastrophizing, minimizing, and complicating that no wonder why i feel like its going to explode one day. but i smile when i see how well-put-together people think i am. and to that, i throw out a big mtv "YOU THINK YOU KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA".
****
I got rejected by 'james bond' today. he told me i had 'flare', and felt it could really work between us. i was invited over for a plate of pasta and espresso. he even gave me his personal telephone number. i smiled.
30 minutes later he changed his mind. he said that it would never work between us because i was 20 years younger than him. the lowest he would date is someone 40 years old - 5 years younger. he then proceeded to explain that this was because we were at different stages in life. what would we have to talk about? he left by telling me he was 'off limits'-took his medication and never looked back. i smiled.
****
my work takes so much mental focus, its fucking ridiculous. i never accepted that it ever would...but put yourself in a situation where you are in a disastrous state of mind, and try helping people who are in mental disarray themselves. its hard. but, not too hard. not hard enough to bitch enough to say that i lead a shitty life. ive come to witness what shitty actually means. but to put that into perspective, means you need to get into perspective, in a diverse way. whats shitty to me, may not be shitty to someone else. and the reverse. it takes a lot of fucken mental juice to be able to realize 'perspective'. but i will say that, exists is a base shit-line.the shit that lies at the bottom of the glass that can only be seen as half empty. the shit that stinks to everyone, no matter what your situation. these are the people that seem to be the strongest. the realist. and the ones that dont feel sorry for themselves but are grateful for the things that we should all be greatful for everyday.
nothing pisses me off more then a whinning little bitch that refuses to drive, and sends back her convertable 911 becuase she doenst like the standard tints on the windows that come stock. are you actuallly fucking serious? no, mabye thats a mental illness.
im tired of people that feel they have a right to complain about nobody in this world giving a fuck or doing something to help people, when i actually wonder, whats the last thing you did to help somebody? trully help somebody. okay. bad question. these people prob. donate money. thats good enough right?
do you know how fucking hard it is to find someone shelter? food? anything. a 20 year waiting list for government housing, which means the people on the waitlist will prob be dead before they get called up.
but with this point, i speak to idols. sitting in luxury, on their macbooks, blogging or tweeting about the state of this planet...what the fuck have you done latley. there are people that dedicate their lives to helping other people. these people are your neighbors. gratification to them means someone has secured housing, a room in a shared house..luxury compared to shelter. these are people that wake up everday, go to work because they actually give a shit. more of a shit to do something rather than JUST blogging about it.
i refuse to give up. some call me stupid for even thinking i can make some kind of impact.
i call them stupid for even just saying that.
blessed.
****
I got rejected by 'james bond' today. he told me i had 'flare', and felt it could really work between us. i was invited over for a plate of pasta and espresso. he even gave me his personal telephone number. i smiled.
30 minutes later he changed his mind. he said that it would never work between us because i was 20 years younger than him. the lowest he would date is someone 40 years old - 5 years younger. he then proceeded to explain that this was because we were at different stages in life. what would we have to talk about? he left by telling me he was 'off limits'-took his medication and never looked back. i smiled.
****
my work takes so much mental focus, its fucking ridiculous. i never accepted that it ever would...but put yourself in a situation where you are in a disastrous state of mind, and try helping people who are in mental disarray themselves. its hard. but, not too hard. not hard enough to bitch enough to say that i lead a shitty life. ive come to witness what shitty actually means. but to put that into perspective, means you need to get into perspective, in a diverse way. whats shitty to me, may not be shitty to someone else. and the reverse. it takes a lot of fucken mental juice to be able to realize 'perspective'. but i will say that, exists is a base shit-line.the shit that lies at the bottom of the glass that can only be seen as half empty. the shit that stinks to everyone, no matter what your situation. these are the people that seem to be the strongest. the realist. and the ones that dont feel sorry for themselves but are grateful for the things that we should all be greatful for everyday.
nothing pisses me off more then a whinning little bitch that refuses to drive, and sends back her convertable 911 becuase she doenst like the standard tints on the windows that come stock. are you actuallly fucking serious? no, mabye thats a mental illness.
im tired of people that feel they have a right to complain about nobody in this world giving a fuck or doing something to help people, when i actually wonder, whats the last thing you did to help somebody? trully help somebody. okay. bad question. these people prob. donate money. thats good enough right?
do you know how fucking hard it is to find someone shelter? food? anything. a 20 year waiting list for government housing, which means the people on the waitlist will prob be dead before they get called up.
but with this point, i speak to idols. sitting in luxury, on their macbooks, blogging or tweeting about the state of this planet...what the fuck have you done latley. there are people that dedicate their lives to helping other people. these people are your neighbors. gratification to them means someone has secured housing, a room in a shared house..luxury compared to shelter. these are people that wake up everday, go to work because they actually give a shit. more of a shit to do something rather than JUST blogging about it.
i refuse to give up. some call me stupid for even thinking i can make some kind of impact.
i call them stupid for even just saying that.
blessed.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Coconut soup
Aching, yawning, aching, paining, oh how i hate dirty floors.
mop and bucket, dusting, cleaning, in a home that was barely mine.
i wonder how you can live in this, breath in this, chaos no order no more.
i try to mine-it, you cant maintain it.
you buy me coconut soup.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
engaging to disengage
It was driving home at 3am from a 16 hr work day that i realized, maybe they were right. all along. everything everyone warned me about may actually be happening. maybe it was the road rage i had while driving on empty roads, or my rough gear shifting because i had the shakes in my legs...boh. who knows. regardless. i realized that, without a question, i need to be able to vent about the shit i experience. and accept that, there will be times that i wont have the opportunity to call someone up and unleash. and that nobody is ever going to understand what it feels like in its truest form.
i help people. whether they can understand that i am or not. i fight with the system. a battle that will never discourage me. fuck you if you choose to argue. i am honored with the opportunity to venture into other realities and spat on when the timing isn't right for that person.
i am let into conspiracies, and brought into them at the same time.
i take on emotions. and am dealing with my own at the same time.
its fun.
This is the beginning of the tale, from the other end. the end that takes it all.
As i write, you should begin to understand.
As for now, I leave you with a smile.
i help people. whether they can understand that i am or not. i fight with the system. a battle that will never discourage me. fuck you if you choose to argue. i am honored with the opportunity to venture into other realities and spat on when the timing isn't right for that person.
i am let into conspiracies, and brought into them at the same time.
i take on emotions. and am dealing with my own at the same time.
its fun.
This is the beginning of the tale, from the other end. the end that takes it all.
As i write, you should begin to understand.
As for now, I leave you with a smile.
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